Retirement party for Bruce Wayne today at 3:00 in the HR break room

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news//newstopics/celebritynews/3517456/Batman-to-be-killed-off-after-70-years.html

Deal:

Gotham Central - This is a police procedural showing the Gotham homicide division. It's really great because these are normal cops are trying to solve crimes in a hopeless city where The Joker and Scarecrow and company run wild alongside the normal assortment of murderers and crooks. The cops tend to resent Batman because he makes them all look like chumps, and because he attracts all the crazy villains to their town. After the cops use detective work to 'arrest Firebug, one of them goes up to the roof and turns on the Batsignal. Batman shows up and the cop tells him off, saying that the Gotham PD doesn't need Batman's help to solve crimes, and that they arrested Firebug by themselves. Batman says "Good. Thank you." 

The officer yells at him "That's all you have to say to me? A good cop died trying to stop one of YOUR crazies, and that's all you can say to me?!?". Batman says "No, it's not. Don't ever use that signal unless it's an emergency."

Another Batman story:

I was reading a JLA comic and aliens had ambushed JLA headquarters. They had captured, beaten and tortured Superman, Wonder Woman, Flash, and Green Lantern. One of the aliens says "Ok, all the heroes are accounted for except for Batman." and his boss says "Batman doesn't matter, he's the one that doesn't even have superpowers." Superman coughs up blood and laughs - "Batman is the most dangerous man on Earth." Then Batman ends up taking out all the aliens John McClane style.

I like some of Ennis' Punisher (for example, the Punisher himself) but it's kind of depressing how every single individual character bar none is the world's worst person. He can not write a supporting character that is normal. Every last one is a cruel, inbred, pedo, backstabbing, cheating, lying, clavo, murderous, evil simpleton. After reading a few issues I just want to kick the next person I see right in the fork.

I read a whole bunch of Walking Dead in one go, something like 45 issues in one weekend. I know that they got to the prison and had started to make it a home, but they had not yet found that guy in the next town named The General or The Mayor or whatever his name is. I enjoyed it but it's been a while since I read them and I kind of forget who is who and what their backstories are. I guess the smart move is to read the wikipedia article to remind myself of those details and then pick up where I left off.

Prescott:

Garth Ennis is good to the Punisher, in much the same way he is bad to everything else. How much of The Boys did you read? I have read like the first say 25 - 30 books and while the storyline is interesting, I haven't found it really compelling. Similar to Scalped, I don't dislike reading it but I am never really excited about it. Also, I hope you are all aware that the Aliens, Predator and Aliens vs. Predator books are wonderful. Really wonderful. Also, I really have to recommend that Walking Dead, the zompocalypse really is brought to life. 

Deal:

Kingpin - This is a 2004 miniseries showing his rise from the street to power. It's like the movie American Gangster in that it shows Fisk in 1960's Harlem uniting black dealers against Italian suppliers. It's only four issues and I'm only on issue 2 but it is pretty great! The Kingpin is awesome and the story is a (mostly) plausible and realistic depiction of criminal life.

Hitman - Garth Ennis is a short-sighted hypocrite. Every month he writes 20 pages of incredible stories with interesting, plausible characters. Then, he writes 4 more pages of mutant trannies shitting in the Pope's ear and he crams these pages back into the original 20. He obviously thinks that he is too good for the comic book industry and therefore he is terrified that people might think that he cares about his job, so he has to shit up a bunch of pages every single issue just so that if his friends read one of his books he can point to the shit parts and pretend that he's only having a laugh at DC's expense. Screw him. As soon as he dies the first thing we'll do is remove his 15% shit contributions from every comic and put his name down in history as a guy that LOOOOVED comic books and was SOOOOO PROUD to write them. Also he loved showtunes and dressed like a clown.

Anyway, Hitman is written by Garth Ennis and is 85% excellent. It's about a hitman named Tommy Monaghan living in Gotham who only wants to hang out with his pals in a sleazy neighborhood bar. As part of DC's Bloodlines story arc Tommy got x-ray vision and telepathy, although using either power tends to give him a splitting migraine. These limited powers are still enough of an edge to allow Tommy to take contracts on superbeings, aliens, demons, etc. 

The best part of the comic is the dialogue. Tommy and his friends act like actual friends, and when they are just hanging out playing cards or having some beers they are constantly screwing with each other and it really works well. Tommy is a genuinely funny character, which is rare in comics. He mostly just uses his powers to hit on chicks or to look at Catwoman naked. There's also some action and stuff but that's usually where Garth Ennis gets his gay on - Tommy fights zombie trouts! Tommy fights a mobster that can't stop pooping and someone falls down and lands in the poop and the poop splatters into someone's elses mouth and they eat the poop! Tommy teams up with a guy that welds dogs to people (which does not even make sense)! IS THIS ZANYTOWN OR WHAT? Yaaaaawn.

The Boys - This is another comic written by Garth Ennis, but here's the good news! After Ennis completely shat up the first four issues, his label assigned him to an editor that ran a tight ship. As a result issues 1-4 are ass and issues 5 and above are completely excellent. I say 'his label' because this comic is produced by some independant whozit that nobody never heard of nor cares about.

The Boys are a group of operatives that use dirty tricks to keep the superhero community in line. In this universe, superheroes act like a rich Hollywood megastars in that they are selfish assholes that just run around drinking and whoring and snorting cocaine and getting into fights over bullshit and breaking a bunch of shit with their superpowers on accident. They have little to no training which means that when they go to rescue someone they are likely to end up killing as many people as they save. The public loves the heroes because the comic book industry whitewashes the heroes' drunken rampages by pretending that they were actually fighting an alien invasion or maybe they were mind-controlled and their powers went bezerk or something. Sometimes, however, the heroes will screw up big time and that's when The Boys come in to set things straight. The Boys are no match physically against a superheroes so they rely much more on blackmail, divide-and-conquer tactics, and guerilla warfare. It's pretty dark but also pretty fun to read, ESPECIALLY after the editor cut out all the baloney. There's also some genuinely funny jokes and situations in this comic, which is amazing considering how terrible comic book "jokes" usually are.

Side note: In the comic, the main character is Billy Butcher. He's always talking about how much he hates superheroes for being arrogant assholes that use their powers to shove around normal innocent human beings. In fact, one of the heroes even raped Billy's wife! However, even in the first goddamn issue Ennis writes Billy Butcher as an arrogant asshole that uses his powers to shove around normal innocent human beings, and a running sub-plot is that Billy is fucking another guy's wife. Are we supposed to root for Billy Butcher just because he's the main character? Garth Ennis can be a fucking retard sometimes.

In conclusion: Kingpin is good without reservation. Hitman is pretty good but you have to look past a lot of crap in order to see it. The Boys is crap for four issues and then gets pretty excellent.

Prescott: I also meant to send out a list of great comics that should be read if reading comics interests you.

In no particular order

DMZ 

Fables 

Naruto 

New Avengers - For two reasons, Spiderman is witty again and Tony Stark always leaves in secret to meet with the Illuminati 

The Illuminati #1 -5 

Naruto 

World's Finest - In the most recent one Superman and Batman switch powers 

The Exterminators 

Naruto 

Justice Leagues Tornado's Path - Oldy but goody.

The Walking Dead - The Zompocalypse comes to comics every week.

Naruto 

Kaz: Did you read all of these comics this week? I thought you lost your stay-at-home-reading-comic- books job and traded it in (like an idiot) for a leave-home-for-work-do-work job. I quite my job all together and you still have more time than me!

Prescott: This is horrible horrible news

Schmidt: I read this "Batman Dies" story a couple of weeks ago, and that reporter made it seem he was only being killed in a side universe publicity stunt, so I didn't take this too seriously. Apparently, they're still kicking around how/if/when they want to temporarily "kill" Batman to sell a couple million comics. If you think about it, it's like deciding when to harvest your money tree. Then, obviously, replant it. 

Kaz: Yeah Buddy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ziOhn-rD7Y

Prescott: Why do you send stupid shit?

Kaz: Yeah Buddy! That guy is bigger than Griff's TV is small, but he still sounds like a fourteen year old for the first time in a gym. That's the kind of guy I want to have protecting me from other guys. 

Kaz: This is unacceptable: 

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/showbiz/film/article1982939.ece

Prescott: This is why DC is so terrible. Bruce Wayne was a function of Batman, not the other way around.

Manly Penta-Decathalon

Kaiser: So it turns out that we will be pitting our manliness against one

another in a no holds barred, winner take all tournament of testicular

fortitude. I propose Bad Decision Thursday for the date. BDT falls on

January 1st of 2009, so be prepared to have a New Year's Eve party,

and then hefty competition Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

We need 15 events to make a pentadecathlon, so we need to get working

on them. Fairly accepted events that I can remember are:

Hot Wing/Donut eating contest

-we measure the difference in weight between your starting and

finishing weight for hot wings and donuts, then multiply the 2

numbers. This way you are forced to eat both hot wings AND donuts for

a high score. The hot wings will be very hot and the donuts will be

very rich and cream filled. Are we allowed drinks? Water, Beer or

milk?

Beer chugging/Push-up contest

-Slam a beer in a minute, then do 20 pushups in a minute. Then repeat

as much as you can. One point for each set of 20 completed.

awesome illustration contest

-We could have Marky be the judge, or we could all vote and make the

rule that we can't vote for ourselves. We could use blind, numbered

ballots if we don't think we can be trusted. But we should not gnow

who created which pictures.

arm wrestling

I gnow I'm missing some. Add more so we can make it to 15 events.

Deal: Archery, drunken footrace, Quarters, spitting for distance.

Griff: I would suggest changing "spitting for distance" to be the "hop-skip-n-puke".  Basically, drink as fast as you can until you need to puke, mostly due to too much fluids in the belly and then run up to a line then hop-skip-n-puke.  whomever has the furthest projectile puke wins.  Apparently this was an actual event down in Rolla years ago during St. Patty's day.

Deal: I second this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Prescott: Is the contest all braun or can we include manly games of wit?  Whiskey Chess, a shot of whiskey for every piece you capture.  That way the better you are sober the more advantage your opponent has later in the game.  Clydesdale Horseshoes, drink a beer, hit the post, if you fail, repeat.  Show me your tits, basically go to a bar and the first guy to get a non-wife to show him her tits wins.  Also, I think we should have some sort of cigarette rolling contest.  I am pretty sure that every man should know how to roll his on cigarettes.

Schmidt: I like what I'm hearing.  I suggest  a race disassembling, cleaning, and reassembling a rifle.  Does anyone have a rifle?

 I like the game of wits idea, but chess might be a little too "one on one" to make any real determinations.  Any attempt to set this game up tournament style will result in obscene drunkeness.  a shortened version of trivial pursuit might substitute.  or something involving movies and/or quoting them. 

I am wholly for the cigarette rolling contest.  A lost art.

I am wholly against begging women to see their boobs.  Real men don't do that.  They just decide when to look at the boobs women are throwing at them already.

Prescott: I have just been lawyered U raise an interesting point

Deal: I've been reading Marvel's Contest of Champions I from 1982 and Contest of Champions II from 2003.  They are a very good idea!  The story is that The Collector is making a bet with (spoiler: death) and the terms of the bet are for them to each pick a bunch of super-heroes and then have them search the Earth for four golden trophies. 

It's an okay read for nostalgia's sake.  They stink up a good concept by having half the heroes be nobodies that nobody has never heard of, each with a national theme.  There's a super-lucky Irish lass, an aboriginal dreamwalker (not Gateway - this is a different one), a Spanish conquistador, and maybe a German hero.  The story would be much better if they had The Thing versus Cyclops versus Baron Mordo instead of having Captain America vs some Irish broad that I don't even care enough about to finish writing a

BUT, one part that must be mentioned is in Contest of Champions II.  In this one there's some alien mind controllers making all the heroes fight in a giant round robin tourney (they don't pull punches or anything).  One round has Mr Fantastic vs The Incredible Hulk and is pretty awesome because the Hulk just keeps punching Mr Fantastic but can't really do lasting damage.  Mr Fantastic gets the bright idea to wrap up The Hulks face and try to suffocate him, so what the Hulk does is SNORT THE ENTIRE MR FANTASTIC INTO HIS SINUSES, holds him for a 3-count, then spits him out of the ring like a giant loogie.  So, that part was pretty great.

Maybe we can call our event Contest of Champions III instead of Manly Pentdecathalon.  OR, even better would be to call it The Contest of Manly Pentdecathalon Champions Part Five: The Beginning.

Prescott: What were the events we agreed upon already? Maybe someone should be responsible to separate the legit ideals from the jokes. Not it. I suggest the lawyer. Also, Kaz wants to have a spooning session for half time and he volunteered to be the little  spoon. 

Griff: Seconded!  Also not it.

Schmidt: In the interest of fairness and, more importantly, no one bitching about the events not "playing to their strengths," everyone will submit no less than 5 and no more than all 15 events (all serious at this point) and I will compile them into a list of 20, 5 to be struck down by the group, leaving 15 events, defined with particularity, and to be organized into an order that facilitates the most drinking, vomiting, and that neutralizes Griff's natural genetic advantage of being the best at most things.

Also, this will help iron out the list of actual competing men from non-competing shemales.

Griff: That is the most ludicrous statement I've ever heard.  You meant best at 'all' things.

Prescott:

1. Cigarette rolling contest - Should be simple buy some papers and a pound of tobacco at a pipe store.  I am thinking $20 for supplies for all of us.

2. Marksmen contest - using paintball guns, the cheapest they sell and all the same model.  That way each person will have to compensate for the crappy barrel.  Obviously we will be shooting empty beer cans......and then each other.

3. Name those boobs Since Schmidt said "I am wholly against begging women to see their boobs.  Real men don't do that.  They just decide when to look at the boobs women are throwing at them already." Get pictures of famous comic book racks in costumes and name them Jeopardy style.  Like Marvel Villianesses or DC Heroines.  Drink if wrong

4. Round Robin Arm westling, double elimination

5. I don't know the name but drink a beer in 1 minute do ten push ups, drink a beer, do 25 sit ups, repeat, last to hurl wins.

Prescott: Am I the only one who did this. Douche bags

Schmidt: Sorry Prescott.  I applaud your attempt to lead by example.  Here are some suggestions.

1. 200 yard dash - straight up foot race

2. Man-Hair contest - whoever shaves the most hair by weight wins regardless of hair source.   

3. Home-run contest - farthest two hits from five attempts off a tee

4. No-hands beer chugging contest - I kinda like the idea of 2 beers in a bowl, but I also like the idea of biting into the sides and sucking it out.  I just fear people will be spilling and not drinking.

5. "who would win" - everyone puts the name of five fictional characters in a bag.  Draw one randomly - he's your fighter.  Then, in a predetermined tournament double-elimination bracket of our names, make arguments to the group why your contestant should advance and your opponent should lose.  Winner determined by voting.  So, if you think Yoda could beat Optimus Prime, now is your chance to prove it. 

6. Firestarting - something about racing to completely burn something else.  Roughly equal logs? Someone else work out these details. 

I suggest the "MarioKart" scoring style - 10pts for 1st, 8 for 2nd, 6 for 3rd, 4 for 4th, 3 for 5th, 2 for 6th, 1 for 7th.

I am now against having this event on BDT b/c of the possible weather.  Many events will be no fun or impossible with snow and/or gloves. Perhaps we should schedule a date around Halloween  - in concert with Kaiser's costume party.  Like the one bender that ruled them all.

Finally, I suggest randomly assigned paired teams so you have someone to encourage when you're not competing and have someone to help in events that might need an extra pair of hands. Combine the individual scores for a team score so gold, silver, bronze individual and gold, silver, bronze team.  The prizes should be knives, but this time, not everyone gets one.

Deal:

1.) Archery

2.) Quarters (or beer pong)

3.) Racehorse selection (we each bet $100 Deal dollars on horses and check the results online to see who won the most)

4.) Foot race

5.) Wasabi or chili pepper eating contest

Maxwell: The other night I inadvertently stumbled across the DIY-Channel's "Nailed at Nine" evening show line-up, thinking I had struck basic-cable softcore paydirt. After watching several hours of "Hammered", "Desperate Landscapes", "Man Caves", and "Martha Stewart Crafts", I had a vision:

 

Every event should involve building something, then competing with what you built.  After all, what's more manly than building shit?

 

1. BYOBB

Build-your-own-beer-bong

Use standard-length rubber tubing and funnel.  Fastest to assemble blindfolded and chug 16oz of beer.

Compete for time in teams of two

 

2. BYOBM

Build-your-own-beer-mug

Use standard beer-mug-making components, as determined by group

Chugging contest

Best-design contest

Leakiest mug contest

 

3. BYOM

Build-your-own-meat

For those of you familiar with the comic "Red Meat", someone created a website where you can choose two characters, enter some funny text of your own, and generate a Red Meat comic strip

Vote on Top 3-4 comics to win points, as determined by group

Losers chug one beer

 

4. BYOSE

Build-your-own-siege-engine

Self-explanatory

 

5. Lion Taming

Build your own wooden chair

Tame lion

Chug beer

 

Also, #6 if we have time:

Hatchet Throwing

Deal: I love the idea of building stuff, although maybe we should be allowed to use different building materials with the understanding that anyone that builds a chair out of a chair (or carves a wooden spoon out of a bigger spoon) will be shunned.

I also like the idea of writing up the comic strip.  Maybe we could make fun of a Hostess cupcake ad like Seanbaby?  This probably works best with teams.

Additional idea: Each participant does a different magic or card trick and we vote to see whose was the best.  This would probably be VERY lame but that just makes it all the more impressive if someone does one well.

Maxwell: Found a company that will print personalized shotglasses.  We need this to legitimize our sport. With volume discounts, we can get 36 shotglasses for roughly $70.00 (including setup fees).  My suggestion is in the attached photo.

Johnny Bootblack: I can't quite figure out the best method, but I'm thinking nothing would be manlier than a pain threshold competition.  See who can stand some horrific pain the longest.  I run into trouble thinking of something that will be sufficiently and uniformly painful but not cause permanent damage, though.

Prescott: Who can talk to drunken Kaz the longest without punching him.

Schmidt: Wow, Jonni.  When you have something to say, you have something to say!  Shit.  Does anyone own any electric testicle clamps?  I mean, besides Kaz?

Deal: Whatever we decide on for the .........pain....... category, I elect that we attempt it AFTER the drinking categories.

Schmidt: I have a shock collar for the dog.  I've tried it myself up to level 7 just to see how badly I'm hurting him (I'm not a masochist).  Turns out, it's pretty unpleasant, but completely harmless.  Is that what you had in mind?

Prescott: I will not be involved in any feats were drunken'd people are in control of how much pain I am in.

Wrong Acronym, DUMBASS!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fatal_Accident_Reconstruction_Team

HA.  The best part is this line:

"These departments rarely refer to their team with an acronym, because the word fart is often considered vulgar or offensive. Some departments have decided to change the name to Fatal Accident Group to avoid this."

HA.  FAG!!!!!  Get it?