Kaiser: So it turns out that we will be pitting our manliness against one
another in a no holds barred, winner take all tournament of testicular
fortitude. I propose Bad Decision Thursday for the date. BDT falls on
January 1st of 2009, so be prepared to have a New Year's Eve party,
and then hefty competition Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday.
We need 15 events to make a pentadecathlon, so we need to get working
on them. Fairly accepted events that I can remember are:
Hot Wing/Donut eating contest
-we measure the difference in weight between your starting and
finishing weight for hot wings and donuts, then multiply the 2
numbers. This way you are forced to eat both hot wings AND donuts for
a high score. The hot wings will be very hot and the donuts will be
very rich and cream filled. Are we allowed drinks? Water, Beer or
milk?
Beer chugging/Push-up contest
-Slam a beer in a minute, then do 20 pushups in a minute. Then repeat
as much as you can. One point for each set of 20 completed.
awesome illustration contest
-We could have Marky be the judge, or we could all vote and make the
rule that we can't vote for ourselves. We could use blind, numbered
ballots if we don't think we can be trusted. But we should not gnow
who created which pictures.
arm wrestling
I gnow I'm missing some. Add more so we can make it to 15 events.
Deal: Archery, drunken footrace, Quarters, spitting for distance.
Griff: I would suggest changing "spitting for distance" to be the "hop-skip-n-puke". Basically, drink as fast as you can until you need to puke, mostly due to too much fluids in the belly and then run up to a line then hop-skip-n-puke. whomever has the furthest projectile puke wins. Apparently this was an actual event down in Rolla years ago during St. Patty's day.
Deal: I second this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Prescott: Is the contest all braun or can we include manly games of wit? Whiskey Chess, a shot of whiskey for every piece you capture. That way the better you are sober the more advantage your opponent has later in the game. Clydesdale Horseshoes, drink a beer, hit the post, if you fail, repeat. Show me your tits, basically go to a bar and the first guy to get a non-wife to show him her tits wins. Also, I think we should have some sort of cigarette rolling contest. I am pretty sure that every man should know how to roll his on cigarettes.
Schmidt: I like what I'm hearing. I suggest a race disassembling, cleaning, and reassembling a rifle. Does anyone have a rifle?
I like the game of wits idea, but chess might be a little too "one on one" to make any real determinations. Any attempt to set this game up tournament style will result in obscene drunkeness. a shortened version of trivial pursuit might substitute. or something involving movies and/or quoting them.
I am wholly for the cigarette rolling contest. A lost art.
I am wholly against begging women to see their boobs. Real men don't do that. They just decide when to look at the boobs women are throwing at them already.
Prescott: I have just been lawyered U raise an interesting point
Deal: I've been reading Marvel's Contest of Champions I from 1982 and Contest of Champions II from 2003. They are a very good idea! The story is that The Collector is making a bet with (spoiler: death) and the terms of the bet are for them to each pick a bunch of super-heroes and then have them search the Earth for four golden trophies.
It's an okay read for nostalgia's sake. They stink up a good concept by having half the heroes be nobodies that nobody has never heard of, each with a national theme. There's a super-lucky Irish lass, an aboriginal dreamwalker (not Gateway - this is a different one), a Spanish conquistador, and maybe a German hero. The story would be much better if they had The Thing versus Cyclops versus Baron Mordo instead of having Captain America vs some Irish broad that I don't even care enough about to finish writing a
BUT, one part that must be mentioned is in Contest of Champions II. In this one there's some alien mind controllers making all the heroes fight in a giant round robin tourney (they don't pull punches or anything). One round has Mr Fantastic vs The Incredible Hulk and is pretty awesome because the Hulk just keeps punching Mr Fantastic but can't really do lasting damage. Mr Fantastic gets the bright idea to wrap up The Hulks face and try to suffocate him, so what the Hulk does is SNORT THE ENTIRE MR FANTASTIC INTO HIS SINUSES, holds him for a 3-count, then spits him out of the ring like a giant loogie. So, that part was pretty great.
Maybe we can call our event Contest of Champions III instead of Manly Pentdecathalon. OR, even better would be to call it The Contest of Manly Pentdecathalon Champions Part Five: The Beginning.
Prescott: What were the events we agreed upon already? Maybe someone should be responsible to separate the legit ideals from the jokes. Not it. I suggest the lawyer. Also, Kaz wants to have a spooning session for half time and he volunteered to be the little spoon.
Griff: Seconded! Also not it.
Schmidt: In the interest of fairness and, more importantly, no one bitching about the events not "playing to their strengths," everyone will submit no less than 5 and no more than all 15 events (all serious at this point) and I will compile them into a list of 20, 5 to be struck down by the group, leaving 15 events, defined with particularity, and to be organized into an order that facilitates the most drinking, vomiting, and that neutralizes Griff's natural genetic advantage of being the best at most things.
Also, this will help iron out the list of actual competing men from non-competing shemales.
Griff: That is the most ludicrous statement I've ever heard. You meant best at 'all' things.
Prescott:
1. Cigarette rolling contest - Should be simple buy some papers and a pound of tobacco at a pipe store. I am thinking $20 for supplies for all of us.
2. Marksmen contest - using paintball guns, the cheapest they sell and all the same model. That way each person will have to compensate for the crappy barrel. Obviously we will be shooting empty beer cans......and then each other.
3. Name those boobs Since Schmidt said "I am wholly against begging women to see their boobs. Real men don't do that. They just decide when to look at the boobs women are throwing at them already." Get pictures of famous comic book racks in costumes and name them Jeopardy style. Like Marvel Villianesses or DC Heroines. Drink if wrong
4. Round Robin Arm westling, double elimination
5. I don't know the name but drink a beer in 1 minute do ten push ups, drink a beer, do 25 sit ups, repeat, last to hurl wins.
Prescott: Am I the only one who did this. Douche bags
Schmidt: Sorry Prescott. I applaud your attempt to lead by example. Here are some suggestions.
1. 200 yard dash - straight up foot race
2. Man-Hair contest - whoever shaves the most hair by weight wins regardless of hair source.
3. Home-run contest - farthest two hits from five attempts off a tee
4. No-hands beer chugging contest - I kinda like the idea of 2 beers in a bowl, but I also like the idea of biting into the sides and sucking it out. I just fear people will be spilling and not drinking.
5. "who would win" - everyone puts the name of five fictional characters in a bag. Draw one randomly - he's your fighter. Then, in a predetermined tournament double-elimination bracket of our names, make arguments to the group why your contestant should advance and your opponent should lose. Winner determined by voting. So, if you think Yoda could beat Optimus Prime, now is your chance to prove it.
6. Firestarting - something about racing to completely burn something else. Roughly equal logs? Someone else work out these details.
I suggest the "MarioKart" scoring style - 10pts for 1st, 8 for 2nd, 6 for 3rd, 4 for 4th, 3 for 5th, 2 for 6th, 1 for 7th.
I am now against having this event on BDT b/c of the possible weather. Many events will be no fun or impossible with snow and/or gloves. Perhaps we should schedule a date around Halloween - in concert with Kaiser's costume party. Like the one bender that ruled them all.
Finally, I suggest randomly assigned paired teams so you have someone to encourage when you're not competing and have someone to help in events that might need an extra pair of hands. Combine the individual scores for a team score so gold, silver, bronze individual and gold, silver, bronze team. The prizes should be knives, but this time, not everyone gets one.
Deal:
1.) Archery
2.) Quarters (or beer pong)
3.) Racehorse selection (we each bet $100 Deal dollars on horses and check the results online to see who won the most)
4.) Foot race
5.) Wasabi or chili pepper eating contest
Maxwell: The other night I inadvertently stumbled across the DIY-Channel's "Nailed at Nine" evening show line-up, thinking I had struck basic-cable softcore paydirt. After watching several hours of "Hammered", "Desperate Landscapes", "Man Caves", and "Martha Stewart Crafts", I had a vision:
Every event should involve building something, then competing with what you built. After all, what's more manly than building shit?
1. BYOBB
Build-your-own-beer-bong
Use standard-length rubber tubing and funnel. Fastest to assemble blindfolded and chug 16oz of beer.
Compete for time in teams of two
2. BYOBM
Build-your-own-beer-mug
Use standard beer-mug-making components, as determined by group
Chugging contest
Best-design contest
Leakiest mug contest
3. BYOM
Build-your-own-meat
For those of you familiar with the comic "Red Meat", someone created a website where you can choose two characters, enter some funny text of your own, and generate a Red Meat comic strip
Vote on Top 3-4 comics to win points, as determined by group
Losers chug one beer
4. BYOSE
Build-your-own-siege-engine
Self-explanatory
5. Lion Taming
Build your own wooden chair
Tame lion
Chug beer
Also, #6 if we have time:
Hatchet Throwing
Deal: I love the idea of building stuff, although maybe we should be allowed to use different building materials with the understanding that anyone that builds a chair out of a chair (or carves a wooden spoon out of a bigger spoon) will be shunned.
I also like the idea of writing up the comic strip. Maybe we could make fun of a Hostess cupcake ad like Seanbaby? This probably works best with teams.
Additional idea: Each participant does a different magic or card trick and we vote to see whose was the best. This would probably be VERY lame but that just makes it all the more impressive if someone does one well.
Maxwell: Found a company that will print personalized shotglasses. We need this to legitimize our sport. With volume discounts, we can get 36 shotglasses for roughly $70.00 (including setup fees). My suggestion is in the attached photo.
Johnny Bootblack: I can't quite figure out the best method, but I'm thinking nothing would be manlier than a pain threshold competition. See who can stand some horrific pain the longest. I run into trouble thinking of something that will be sufficiently and uniformly painful but not cause permanent damage, though.
Prescott: Who can talk to drunken Kaz the longest without punching him.
Schmidt: Wow, Jonni. When you have something to say, you have something to say! Shit. Does anyone own any electric testicle clamps? I mean, besides Kaz?
Deal: Whatever we decide on for the .........pain....... category, I elect that we attempt it AFTER the drinking categories.
Schmidt: I have a shock collar for the dog. I've tried it myself up to level 7 just to see how badly I'm hurting him (I'm not a masochist). Turns out, it's pretty unpleasant, but completely harmless. Is that what you had in mind?
Prescott: I will not be involved in any feats were drunken'd people are in control of how much pain I am in.
